June 2005
FORCE Ministries
You know, the biggest problem with converting heretics into god-fearing bible-believing Christians was the pesky notion that people were endowed with "free will." But given God's greatness, who are we to begrudge him making a little slip up like that when he spent seven long hard days constructing the magnificent universe in which we live and, well, life itself.
After all, nothing is harder than showing up at some Pagan-Liberal-Nazi-Communist's house in your sensible button up shirt, conservative tie, and khaki slacks to share with them that they are destined to burn for all eternity in the sulfurous pits of hell where they'll weep and gnash their teeth while assorted demons play air hockey with their spleens, just to have them look you over once, snuff, and then slam the door in your face!
But thankfully, the good folks at FORCE Ministries are doing their part to put heathens in their place by turning the American armed forces into the sort of gun-toting, muslim-smacking, freedom-loving arm of the lord's army that God clearly intended them to be!
For too long America's men and women in uniform have forgotten that just because they're technically supposed to follow the bidding of their commander-in-chief, doesn't change the fact that they are, first and foremost, God's army leading a glorious charge to proselytize the entire world for His glory!
Thankfully, the unique combination of gunplay, skydiving, and judeo-christian rhetoric of the good folks at FORCE ministry is a constant reminder that if Jesus intended people to be pacifists, he wouldn't have gunned down those Roman centurions who came to arrest him in the garden. Not to mention that incident where he hopped down from the cross and cleaned house on the attending soldiers and non-believers, using his crown of thorns as a boomerang of death, leaving nothing but a pile of headless hellions-to-be in his wake!
So what if off-hand comments about "leading a great crusade" turned off those godless pagans whose land we're liberating? The truth hurts! FORCE Ministries knows that real spiritual rebirth can come in many forms, but nothing gets the job done faster than combining the lethality of an assault weapon with a brand spanking new copy of the New Testament! Just aim for the head and speak to the heart.
For that reason, FORCE ministries is our site of the month. Sure, plenty of organizations link together guns and Christianity but nobody does it as effectively as these good folks! Don't forget the teachings of Christ:
"Turning the other cheek is for sissy pants liberal pantywaists"
"Do unto others, preferably with a high caliber firearm."
"Whosoever believeth in me, shall not die, because they'll have eliminated any potential threats with a little help from their friend 'Mr. Sniper Rifle."
"Give to Caesar what is Caesar's...namely a BIG TIME BUTT-WHUPPIN! WOO-HOO!!!!"
Now that's the kind of old-time religion any gun nut could get behind. Praise the lord and pass the ammunition!
Rating: Five out of Five Bullets AND
A Copy Of The Latest Petra Record
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This organization's future is so bright they gotta wear shades!
