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THE STORY OF THE MONTHMay 2005 "Billy the Kid(s)" by Mike Magnum You know in the time since my last column, ole’ Mike’s been neck deep in so much ridiculous gun news I hardly knew where to start. It’s really been a good news/bad news kind of month. Unless of course you make guns or sell ‘em. Then it’s just been good news. Those monocle-wearin’ fat cats we know and love as the gun industry have jerked the marionette strings of their republi-
puppets in Washington and made them dance the strangest legislative jig since Taft forced the passage of the Pudding Subsidy of 1912. Those politicos decided that the gun industry, which is apparently hurting for cash, needed to be given a blanket protection from liability so all encompassing we hear God is pissed at the infringement on his omnipotence. Bad news if you’re on the wrong side of a gun, but GREAT news if you’re behind the counter, pulling the trigger, or own the plant that makes ‘em. I can’t wait. I mean, I’m all for responsible gun ownership, but if I can just go ahead and make sales without runnin’ pesky background checks (without the fear of being sued or locked up down the line) we’re gonna save enough money to take the kids down to Disneyland this year. And plane tickets to Orlando from Wyoming ain't cheap, let me tell ‘ya. Then Florida decided that they weren’t happy being the most bullet-riddled, crime-infested, and downright humid destination in these United States, and opted to create a tourist attraction everyone can enjoy: the world’s largest hunting preserve. You might be thinking this one heck of a gigantic pork barrel, but it’s not. They’re just handing everybody in the state a gun and tellin’ 'em “have at it.” See, nowadays in Jeb Bush’s Florida you can shoot anybody you want so long as you’re a) in a place you’re legally allowed to be and b) they threaten you. This is may go down as the greatest strategic move since MacArthur crossed the 38th
Parallel. Take a state with a reputation for the pistol-packin’est shootouts this side of Waco, remove the disincentive for allowing random violence, and just watch whole place go up in smoke. On the bright side, I'm thinking that Sunshine State property is going to sell dirt cheap in a year or two. With a little help from ill-tempers and plentiful ammo, the obit section will be overflowing with tips on available real estate. Just be sure to bring your spackling tools -- bullet holes play hell with sheetrock. But even in a month this chock full o’ ri-god-damn-diculous ideas, Arizona decided they weren’t going to be out done by a bunch of rank amateurs, by god! They come from the American southwest, where the guns are plentiful, the irrigation ditches are swimable, and the libertarians are politically viable. In keeping with their lead-laden legacy, they’ve decided that the curriculum at their state schools leaves something to be desired. Sure they’ve got the classics—reading, writing, and arithmetic—but they realized that course of study leaves out the most important subject of them all: guns.
In countries across the third world, children are packing machine guns and fighting in civil wars before they grow hair in their armpits. Now our kids can join in on the fun. Plus it'll be great preperation for the draft that'll come whenever we decide to get our war on again! And to think my kids could have been wasting time learning algebra. I mean, seriously people! I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I don’t trust the lil’ runts any further than I can throw ‘em. I teach my kids two lessons about guns. First, I tell ‘em “Don’t touch them until you’re older.” Then I tell ‘em “No, I’m dead serious, don’t even touch them or I’ll whup you silly.” The best part is the NRA got themselves one big ‘ole carrot in the process. In addition to learning how to fire a gun and wipe it of prints afterwards (I assume this is what they meant by cleaning), they’ll learn how to believe everything the NRA believes! Todd Rathner, a member of the NRA Board of Directors, recently told one Arizona TV station the class, "will teach basic gun safety. It'll teach rifle marksmanship, and it will also teach a basic history of the second amendment right to keep and bear arms." And the best part is, NRA shills get to handle the teaching themselves!
What’s next? PETA teaching home economics to promote a new generation of vegans? The ACLU teaching public speech and just letting the kids cuss and blaspheme to their heart’s content? Maybe after that we could get NAMBLA to teach sex education? When my kids are in school I want them learning school stuff. Leave the gun education to me. They’re my kids, it’s my business. Plus, like I said, if recent history is any track record the last thing our kids need right now is target practice. They’re takin’ each other out too fast as it is. Until next time I remain your humble servant, Mike Magnum Seen a story we haven't covered? Want to practice your mastery of disjointed emails chock full o' four letter words? Questions? Comments? Paper? Plastic? Email gunguymike@yahoo.com. |
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