May 2003
"Free to Pee on You and Me" or "The Road to Lawsuit Nirvana is Paved with Spineless Politicians"

February 2003
"Mary, Mary, Why You Buggin'" or "Knock, Knock. Who's There? ALOTTa Fagina."

January 2003
"A Chip Off The Old Blockhead, Part II" or "Welcome to Jail Block 5! You MY Bitch, Now!"

December 2002
"What a Card(-Carrying Member)!" or "Wayne, We Hardly Knew Ya"

November 2002
"A Fool and His Flesh Are Soon Parted" or "How Much is That Doggy in the Jail House?"

October 2002
"I Am Woman Here Me Roar" or "The Declaration of Independence (from Sanity)"

September 2002
"Guns and Moses" or "Ben Hur-d, but He Won't Remember"

August 2002
"A Chip Off The Old Blockhead" or "My Dad Went to a Gun Show and All He Brought Back For Me Was This Stupid Sucking Chest Wound"

July 2002
"Family Matters" or "Is That A Loaded Gun In Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"

June 2002
"Field and Scream" or "This Little Piggy Went To the Emergency Room"

May 2002
"Holy Packin' Joseph Smith" or "Mormons, Start Your Weapons"

THE STORY OF THE MONTH

March 2005

"Guns Don't Kill People.Pets Do" or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Dog"

by Mike Magnum

You know, we here at Mike Magnum's Liquor Store and Gun Emporium used to have a bloodhound named Emma-Sue. Real sweetheart. I got her from Poppa Magnum as a present when I was just a first-grader (the only one in my elementary school with a five o'clock shadow I might add). Unfortunately, we've decided to give her up for adoption. It's just not safe to have a pet around all these firearms.

See, there used to be a natural balance to things. Man hunted animals, first with pointy sticks, then sharpened stones. Then, after thousands upon thousands of years of evolution, man developed more sensible weapons, like .50 caliber sniper rifles and cop-killer bullets, to help combat wily animals that had learned how to build and wear body armor.

But it seems the animals aren't happy about the way things are heading. And they've decided to strike back.

First came last year's report that Jerry Bradford of Pensacola, Florida was shot by one of the seven puppies he was trying to murder because he couldn't find them homes. Horrifying as the prospect of man's-best-friend-on-man violence was, at least there was a clear motive. That cute lil' beagle was just trying to protect his neck.

But now comes a report that sends chills down my spine.

Joseph Stanton of Bates Township, Michigan was shot recently while cooking in his kitchen, when his cat caused his 9mm to discharge into Stanton’s "lower torso."

While one obviously wonders why he had the 9mm out while cooking (I've always found .44 magnums to be a vastly superior cooking instrument), what really gets my undies in a wad is the senselessness of it all. I mean, this attack was completely unwarranted. The kitty might have even gotten some table scraps after all was said and done.

Well maybe our fine furry friends are trying to teach us a lesson our children haven't been able to. Guns. Are. Dangerous. And they shouldn't be treated lightly, the NRA's protests notwithstanding.

What really bugs me about this is how noteworthy the story was deemed. You want to know what isn't noteworthy? The dozens of stories that come out every day about children accidentally shooting themselves, their family members, and other random folks unlucky enough to be in the blast range.

But don't worry, fellow gun owners. While the rash of pet-on-owner gun violence is disturbing, I know of a man who could help address the problem. A man who truly speaks these pet's language.who has walked miles in their shoes-the one, the only, Eddie Eagle.

For those of you who aren't acquainted with this hero of sensible gun owners everywhere, Eddie is an eagle (albeit a giant plush one) who spends his days telling kids to leave guns alone no matter how totally friggin' awesome they are. It's a timely message for the children of America, but why limit it to kids?

The time has come to train our animals in the proper use of firearms. I'm talking the whole nine yards: target practice, cleaning and storage classes, maybe even a crash course in the best places to buy guns without having to pass a background check (for pets who "made a few mistakes" earlier in life). Hell, if the bloodlust of American pets doesn't abate we might have to make this mandatory. That way the next time Fido or Buttons get their hot little paws on a Saturday night special they don't take out five or six people, assuming of course that your kid doesn't thin the crowd out first.

Now, I don't want it to be said that ole' Mike doesn't provide both sides of an issue a chance to voice their opinions. So in the interest of fairness I contacted Emma-Sue on the subject from her luxurious new home in Topeka. Sadly, she didn't have anything to say on the subject. Those animals sure do like to play their cards close to their chest.

Until next time I remain your humble servant,

Mike Magnum

Seen a story we haven't covered? Want to practice your mastery of disjointed emails chock full o' four letter words? Questions? Comments? Paper? Plastic? Email gunguymike@yahoo.com.