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THE STORY OF THE MONTH"A Chip Off The Old Blockhead, Part II" or "Welcome to Jail Block 5! You MY Bitch, Now!" by Mike Magnum January 2003 Well, well, well, there's nothing more fascinating than idiots with guns. Around the Mike Magnum Liquor Emporium we like to call them "gidiots." That's "gidiots" with a hard "G", like in gun-totin', goober-headed gidiots. You know the kind, always spouting on about their 2nd amendment rights and then doing everything they can to step on the rights of others. For example, the young man in this little story who happens to think shooting people is okay and who also happens to be the brood of a prominent conservative lobbyist and National Rifle Association board member. "People rather than guns commit crimes," said David A Keene, father of that previously-mentioned brood and chairman of the American Conservative Union (ACU), the nation's oldest conservative lobbying organization. He should know, his son, one David M. Keene, a staffer at the ACU until a few minutes after the incident in question, is awaiting trial for allegedly putting a bullet in the headrest of another car during a "road rage shooting on the George Washington Memorial Parkway." As Sgt. Fear (Isn't that the greatest name EVER for a cop?) said, "This is serious -- even if the guy didn't get hurt." Fortunately for us, the "guy" kept it together long enough to write down the license plate number of Keene's car and turn him into the police. See, it's gidiots like Keene that really boil my blood. Every time some hot-headed punk thinks his manhood is threatened, they pull out a gun and start shooting like Clint Eastwood. But, instead of looking like Dirty Harry, they end up like Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, tarnishing the image of decent gun owners everywhere. And Keene Junior knew he made a boo-boo right after he did it. Word is, following the gun play, Keene Junior showed up to work, quit his job and removed his name from the web site in a lame attempt to protect the ACU from his dumbass behavior. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. Keene Senior also tried to distance himself from the event by spouting the laughably satirical, "The actions of my adult son were not and are not related in any way to my political beliefs or work and it would be unfair for anyone to insinuate that such a connection can be fairly made." What, did he keep his son locked in a box his whole life? I haven't heard a load of bullshit like that since my son dropped a full diaper on the intake side of my propane-powered garage heater. More importantly, carefully chosen words like those of Mr. Keene's makes one think that the actions of Keene's child son/adult daughter, should he have them, are most DEFINITELY related to his political beliefs. Hey, Keene-o, hold still while I play with my metaphors: "A rotten apple chip doesn't fall far from the blockhead tree." Reality is dads teach sons, even when they don't intend to. They teach them to pull a finger to create a smelly noise; they teach them to duct tape whatever can't be fixed correctly; and they teach them intolerance, indifference and how to respond incorrectly to strenuous driving conditions. Despite the number of weapons in my Pa's possession, he never taught me -- directly or indirectly -- to use it against another human. Hey, what can I say, he had good survival instincts. But, have no fear for young David's career in conservative circles, Papa Keene hired "top gun" attorney Plato Cacheris, who's claim to fame is representing Fawn Hall in the Iran-Contra scandal and saving CIA spy Aldrich Ames from the death penalty. Perhaps Mr. Cacheris' finely honed legal skills can save young Keene's sphincter from a couple of years of cellmate companionship. Then again, maybe he's looking forward to the experience. I mean, when you start shooting at other people's cars because they cut you off in traffic, you're not long for a visit to the big house. That's all for now. What with the economy in the garbage and the world gone mad with warmongering, the Liquor Emporium is running 24-7. As my mother used to tell me, "Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been!" - Mike |
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