 |
 |
 |
 |
||
 |
 |
|
|||
 |
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
 |
THE STORY OF THE MONTH"Holy Packin' Joseph Smith" or "Mormons, Start Your Weapons" by Mike Magnum May, 2002 This just in from a whiney reader: "Mike, I wanted to attend the University of Utah for summer school, but I heard the students carry weapons on campus. Is that true?" You bet your grandma's letter-jacket in riflery it is. Happy days are here again . . . so shoot 'em up and bury 'em six feet down. Here's what happened. Utah's University system didn't want any weapons on its campuses. Dumb, dumb, dumb. What's more fun than hot, young Mormom females, lots of illegal alcohol, and a loaded pistol? (A REAL pistol, that is. Remember, women like barrels that are long and hard. So all you snub-nose guys can just head to the firing range on Homecoming.) Then, in January, the Utah Legislature -- with a big stinkin' pile-o-cash from Chuck Heston and Co. -- told the University system that they had no choice but to allow carry-conceal weapons. Whatever stooo-pid reason the University had for banning guns, it didn't matter. The lawmakers run things around here, and what Wily Wayne LaPierre--I mean, the lawmakers want, the lawmakers git. And the laws, the law. Right? So, it's just that simple. If you can carry a weapon into your local Quickie-Mart (you never know when Habib is going to get uppity with you because Our Lord Ashcroft carted away his brother last year), you can carry a weapon into that freshman biology summer make-up class (who knew DNA would be more diffcult to understand than the NRA?). And packin' on campus is a good thing. It sure does make student-teacher conferences move along. When faced with the choice of giving you an "F" or staring at the cold end of a carry-conceal weapon, that smarty-pants history professor just might agree with you -- the South DID win the Civil War and you deserve an "A" for saying so on your final exam. But, wait, I can hear your prickly little teeth chattering, "Couldn't someone get hurt?" Hell, no, not if Professor Silly also packed himself a little pea-shooter. See, just when you think you've got an inside advantage, you realize you'll have to study anyway. So, don't think you can sneak up on a Utah History professor unless you're ready to re-enact a scene from Aaron Burr's life. The rule of thumb is: If everyone is packing, then everyone knows not to shoot. Right?! Unless, of course, you don't have a thumb. Damn hand-loaded bullets. Until next time, remember, "Happiness is a Warm Gun," unless it's too warm. - Mike Magnum |
 |
|
||
| |
|||||
| |
|||||
 |
|
||||
