February 2003
"Mary, Mary, Why You Buggin'" or "Knock, Knock. Who's There? ALOTTa Fagina."

January 2003
"A Chip Off The Old Blockhead, Part II" or "Welcome to Jail Block 5! You MY Bitch, Now!"

December 2002
"What a Card(-Carrying Member)!" or "Wayne, We Hardly Knew Ya"

November 2002
"A Fool and His Flesh Are Soon Parted" or "How Much is That Doggy in the Jail House?"

October 2002
"I Am Woman Here Me Roar" or "The Declaration of Independence (from Sanity)"

September 2002
"Guns and Moses" or "Ben Hur-d, but He Won't Remember"

August 2002
"A Chip Off The Old Blockhead" or "My Dad Went to a Gun Show and All He Brought Back For Me Was This Stupid Sucking Chest Wound"

July 2002
"Family Matters" or "Is That A Loaded Gun In Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"

June 2002
"Field and Scream" or "This Little Piggy Went To the Emergency Room"

May 2002
"Holy Packin' Joseph Smith" or "Mormons, Start Your Weapons"

THE STORY OF THE MONTH

May 2003

"Free to Pee on You and Me" or "The Road to Lawsuit Nirvana is Paved with Spineless Politicians"

by Mike Magnum

Give The Breakfast Cereal Industry Immunity from Law Suits!

Call your congressman today and let them know that if Tony the Tiger wants to take a big steaming dump in your breakfast bowl, he should be able to do so without fear that some whining idiot like you will file a lawsuit against him. If Captain Crunch wants to put heroin and crack in your morning meal, the good Captain should be able to do so knowing you can't do a damn thing about it. And if the Mike Magnum Liquor Store and Gun Emporium wants to sell a breakfast cereal made out of broken beer bottles and depleted uranium -- which we're seriously considering -- we should be able to market and sell "Nuclear Shards" (tm) directly to infants with the comforting knowledge that we're free of the law.

I just make the cereal. It's not my fault if you eat it. Sucker.

If the gun industry gets immunization from "pending and future lawsuits," I want immunization for my products, too. It's just that simple -- the freedom to screw up your life and then give you the finger.

YES!

This is one massively large "fuck you" bill, which makes you wonder how much money the gun industry gave to those political whores in Washington. I'm guessing our -- and I use the term "our" loosely -- kindly representatives were sucking hard on that campaign cash dispenser when the NRA and the gun industry dropped their bill-laden pants.

"The [gun industry] say they're not responsible for the misuse of their products."

Hey, I didn't tell the gun industry to make and sell guns. I sell them, too. I just follow the law and don't sell guns to idiots, criminals or politicians. If the gun industry is so worried about lawsuits, they should sell something that isn't disproportionately used to kill people -- like breakfast cereal. The last jerkoff that tried to rob my Liquor Store and Gun Emporium used an illegal AK-47, not a box of Special K.

If this bill passes, another jerkoff can buy another AK-47 from the same person and I can't do much more about it than eat lead.

"What the House of Representatives is saying is that no matter how reckless the gun industry acts, they will not be held accountable for their behavior. No other industry would enjoy such blanket immunity," said U.S. Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.).

Just as soon as those spineless politicos give lawsuit immunization to the gun industry, I'm going to be calling them for my immunization bill -- The "Free to Piss in Your Pot of Morning Nutrition" Bill. It sure will be nice to be able to do what the hell I want without fear of repercussions.

And as soon as that bill passes, I'm going to start selling "Mike Magnum's Big Box of Cherry-Flavored Rat Poison Razor Blades."

Just like the gun industry, I'll be selling it to whomever I want. If you eat it and die, that's your fucking fault.

- Mike