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THE STORY OF THE MONTH"Field and Scream" or "This Little Piggy Went To the Emergency Room" by Mike Magnum June, 2002 What's the difference between a dead turkey and a dead hunter? You can make sandwiches with the turkey. (ba-dum-ching) Thanks for coming to the show tonight. Try the veal. It won't shoot back. (ba-dum-ching) All jokes aside, if hunters keep hunting each other, there won't be any hunters to kill those revenge-seeking turkeys and wild and crazy pigs that seek to harm our families and terrorize our neighborhoods. That's why this month I want to talk about a few laugh-a-minute idiots with high-powered weaponry and, where their brains should be, useless piles of grey matter. William Ludlow, Jr., a wild pig hunter and NCO trainer from Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, liked to hone his hunting skills to the sharpness of room-temperature Jello by consuming alcohol while brandishing loaded guns. This is my weapon, this is my beer, this is for hunting and this is my beer. So, one chilly evening in November 2000 ("2000," you ask, "What's with the ancient news?" Hang on there Bucky, this story has more twists than an industrial size box of garbage bags.), our wily beer-swilling hunter heard the clearly unmistakable sounds of SOMETHING in the woods, raised his 30-06 rifle to one glazy eye, pulled the trigger and shot dead a "wild pig" that just happened NOT to be a wild pig. Our fearless Sergeant put a 30-06 bullet hole in the chest of, and killed, one David McQuinley -- an 18-year-old camouflaged hunter who just happened to be moving through the bush that Ludlow was shooting. Have you ever had roasted bush? A bit gamey, but deeee-licious if cooked until tender and served with a dry white wine. Anyway, it's news this month because Ludlow was JUST charged with, get this, "third-degree assault." Not murder, assault. We think he got off easy because he chose not to honor the long-standing hunting rule of "Eat What You Kill." We think the authorities waited so long to charge him because hunting is about, well, killing things and that's just what Sergeant Ludlow did. Who can fault him for that? Our second story has more confused identities than a DSM IV¹. Two eagle-eyed hunters, Larry Iniss and Edgar White -- but we'll call them Jethro and Bubba for style reasons -- just happened to be driving their pickup truck when they spied a turkey. What amazing luck, considering it was turkey season and they were turkey hunters. So, our dynamic duo slammed the brakes on their dualie, grabbed some guns from the rack in the back window, snuck up behind that stupid ole turkey, waited until they heard it gobble, and then filled it full of shotgun pellets. Woo-hoo. Ma sure is going to be happy when Jethro and Bubba show up to dinner with a giant turkey. Sure beats eating hotdogs again. However, here's where things go awry. The turkey Jethro and Bubba spied was a decoy, the gobble they heard came from the two OTHER hunters who placed the decoy in the field, and the turkey Jethro and Bubba shot was none other than the well-camouflaged turkey hunting team of Richard LaFlamme and Stephen Pelletier. No one died, but Rich and Steve got a butt full of BBs. The decoy will be thrown out as being unrealistic to other turkeys, but too realistic for dumbass humans with guns. Jethro and Bubba, I mean Inniss and White, were thrown in Jail on Class C felony charges of leaving the scene and failing to aid an injured person. Hey, who can blame hunting gun guys? That's what they do, shoot things. In the meantime, everyone go get one of those orange vests. And when you hear a gun go off, duck. Or turkey. Or wild pig. Whatever, just get out of the way. Remember, guns don't kill people, bullets do. - Mike Magnum ¹ Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fourth
Edition (DSM-IV): "Diagnostic Criteria for the most common
mental disorders including: description, diagnosis, treatment, and
research findings." |
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