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THE STORY OF THE MONTH"A Chip Off The Old Blockhead" or "My Dad Went to a Gun Show and All He Brought Back For Me Was This Stupid Sucking Chest Wound" by Mike Magnum August, 2002 Okay fellas, last month we discussed not shooting our testicles (or ovum, for the gun-toting ladies out there). This month we're going to cover not shooting the kids that are the proud result of a bullet-free groin. In Augusta, Georgia last month, Paul Alan Sanders was happily carrying his illegal automatic AR-15 through the house, more than likely on his way to take care of some pesky critter in the backyard or possibly to put some new holes in his large-buckled "I heart America" belt, when his life suddenly turned into an "I Love Lucy" pratfall sketch, replete with blood stains and jail cells. "Oh, Luuuuuuccccyyyyy! Who shot the children?" See, life took a death-implying physical comedy turn when Sanders tripped and fired three rounds -- proper military training will teach you to fire the M-16 in "three-round bursts" -- through a wall of his house and into the unsuspecting leg of his 10-year-old son. Oops. That'll teach Junior to "get out of bed and get a job, ya lazy bum!" Sanders was still sitting in jail at the time the article was written, not because his son filed charges, but because police found a few other illegal products in a search of his home. Sanders claimed the loot consisted of "novelty items," but was having a hard time convincing the local sheriff that the Atlanta Falcon's souvenir shop sold him two bobbleheads and a firearm silencer. What a maroon. However, Sanders isn't our only shooter this month -- not by a long shot (all puns intended). It seems like these father-son shoot-yer-progeny activity days are becoming more popular than a Condi Rice nudie pic in John Ashcroft's wallet. Take the shooting of Robert Kleindienst, please (apologies to Henny Youngman). Kleindienst was celebrating Father's Day with his father (funny how that works out, hunh?) and helping him unwrap a brand-spanking new gun -- ya know, cause nothing says "I love you" like a high-powered handgun. "...he loves me, he loves me not. <sigh> He loves me ... not. <bang>" Well, Pa Kleindienst obviously didn't think the gift unwrapping was moving at a fast enough clip and decided to jump in to help. That was the decisive moment they'd both look back on one day and think, "Remember last Father's Day? What was it that we were doing that went so horribly wrong? Oh yeah, THAT!" See, while the two of them were going at the Pere's Day gift like ravenous piranhas on a stunned and wounded cow, Robby found out that his father wasn't the only one getting a gift that afternoon. No, you see, although Dad would get a gun, Robby would get a bullet. Oops. Remember what St. Thomas Aquinos said (sort of), "Give, expecting nothing thereof, especially if you're expecting a bullet to the gut." Here's the backstory on Kleindienst: He apparently loaded the gun before wrapping the present and then forgot to take the bullets out. Simple mistake. It's exactly like putting batteries in the Aibo you're wrapping for your 8-year-old kid, except that -- and this is really only a minor difference -- no one is mortally wounded when they open the box containing a robot dog. At least no one I know. Word on the street is that next Father's Day Kleindienst is going to give his Dad "just a card." But Sanders and Kleindiesnt weren't the only lucky folks who understand the unbreakable bond between a heat-packing dad and a target-like son. There's the Tennessee fella who's 2-year-old shot himself in the head when he reached up and pulled the trigger of the gun in dad's pocket, the 13-year-old in Georgia who got shot in the head at a gun show he was attending with dear old papa, and the double-wounding of poppy and stepson at a gun and knife show in Alabama. Makes my heart warm to see so many father-son stories, even if everyone ends up at the hospital. Oh, one note to the two fellas in Alabama: next time, visit the knife tables. No one ever accidentally shot themselves with a knife. So, like I alluded to last month: How the hell is the NRA going to have the cash to bribe government officials if all their dues-paying suckers, I mean, members are shot before they join? Wayne LaPierre is going to have a shit-fit if he can't cozy up to our finest Republican prostitutes with plenty of cash. Until the next tragedy, stay warm, eat your vegetables, and clean up your room if you want to stay lead-free. As Art Linkletter once said, "Kids say the darndest things, especially with a bullet in their head." - Mike |
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