August, 2002
"A Chip Off The Old Blockhead" or "My Dad Went to a Gun Show and All He Brought Back For Me Was This Stupid Sucking Chest Wound"

July, 2002
"Family Matters" or "Is That A Loaded Gun In Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"

June, 2002
"Field and Scream" or "This Little Piggy Went To the Emergency Room"

May, 2002
"Holy Packin' Joseph Smith" or "Mormons, Start Your Weapons"

THE STORY OF THE MONTH

"Guns and Moses" or "Ben Hur-d, but He Won't Remember"

by Mike Magnum

September, 2002

Despite being taped, Charlton Heston came out of the Alzheimer's closet with more flare than a leather-clad RuPaul in the arms of a pink boa-ed Dennis Rodman. The message: I'm on the edge of a debilitating mental problem, but no amount of impaired cognitive abilities will keep me from representing the bestest-ever, rootinist-tootinist gun lovers society (not to be confused with the gun philanderers society -- those perverts) in these great United States of America.

"I wanted to prepare a few words for you now, because when the time comes I may not be able to," said our Omega Man.

It's great to see the former screen legend take the bull by the horns, the elk by the antlers, and the sheep by the waist and assure us of his commitment to the cause. The last thing we'd want is for him to fear public scrutiny and hide the issue from inquiring minds. If he had, one can only imagine the back-alley whispers about "something" Charlie might have caught, which would get blown out of proportion by the blathering press and result in everyone chitchatting about how long Charlie had been taking Viagra, whether he'd have to get penicillin shots to clear it up, and how big they'd make the prosthetic replacement.

Fortunately, we'll have none of those shenanigans, because the announcement that our very own Heathcliff is only showing "symptoms" of an Alzheimer's-like disorder should give many of the gun-lovin' folks some hope that the post-President Heston will continue to shill for the NRA. More importantly, the preemptive press strike should suppress any tasteless jokes about his ailment -- like the one about how man new friends Chuck's going to be making.

Horrible.

Or the joke some thoughtless jerk sent me about all the cheap vacations Charlie'll be able to take in his very own back yard.

That's just not right.

Shame, shame, shame on those who would take advantage of an aging braggadocio desperately grasping for what's left of his limelight like Algernon's keeper* or a lost time traveler crawling up the sand of a very unsympathetic ape-owned beach community.

"Soylent Green is . . . People!"

Now, don't get me wrong, Charlie's announcement is anything but a plea for help. No sirree. No help needed. Not Mr. Guns and Moses. He's a big boy, a man's man, a gun-totin' tough guy who stood up for gun owners when all they had left was, well, Yosemite Sam and "jackbooted thugs"-spoutin' Wayne LaPierre.

So, when the "symptoms" of Alzheimer's slowly become reality, we can all rest assured that the NRA will still be able to roll or shuffle a pliant Mr. Heston out of his sleepy little retirement community and prop him in front of a TV camera to exploit his camera-friendly face for the ways of the gun.

"I can part the Red Sea, but I can't part with you," cried the defiant Moses (played by Charlton Heston in the award-winning public relations video).

Part the Red Sea? Brilliant! Where else are they going to get this kind of press?

I mean, who else can claim to have parted the Red Sea -- other than the real Moses, that is, and, well, all the other actors who've played the biblical character? So, who cares that Chuckles never did more than stand in front a large blue screen with his arms raised high above his head, pretending to part a sea that would be drawn at a later date by cartoonists with a thing for water.

Anyway, where was I?

(If you took that last question to be an Alzheimer's joke, it wasn't.)

My big concern is not that the Chuck-meister won't be able to shill for our gun-shooting laws -- Tuesday is "Bring Your Six-shooter Day" at the NRA Shady Rest Community of the Aging Stars -- it's that the NRA won't know which legislative direction to take when it comes to defending the firearm rights of those with less than full control of their mental faculties.

Case in point: just recently the NRA came out with guns a-blarin' against putting the "names of people in state mental facilities in the National Instant Background Check system." ("Heard on the Hill," Roll Call, August 1, 2002)

Not gonna happen, they said. Crazy people have just as much right to brandish a Ruger .45 as anyone else.

"Where is the proof that those suffering from mental conditions, such as depression, are more likely to become violent than any random individual in society at large?" the NRA opined in the news section of the house rag, America's 1st Freedom.

Hell, aren't we all just a little bit crazy to want to carry loaded guns with us everywhere we go?

And considering most NRA members have someone read the entire magazine to them -- from cover to cover -- it probably got around pretty quickly that LaPierre was putting his foot down and taking a stand against them damn 2nd Amendment-hating politicians.

That was until their favorite Congressional lap dog, Charles Dingell, decided he was FOR the bill.

Oops.

Then the NRA changed it's tune and started singing the praises of all things Dingell, a veritable cold-cocking of the mentally handicapped, many of whom were itching to get their finger-painting fingers all over a Glock 9.

So, now that Chuck has come clean on the state of his mental state, will the NRA make another U-turn on the subject, further confusing their membership and throwing disarray into mental institutions nationwide?

If a crazy person can't have a gun, can a guy who might not remember if he put bullets in one? Will the NRA back a bill to give Alzheimer's sufferers a gun and a piece of string to put on their trigger finger?

What we need is someone to take a stand and stick with it, to consistently stand up for the rights of gun owners -- crazy, forgetful or both -- worldwide. Unfortunately, we won't get that without leadership of the kind only a Moses could give.

Anyone know if Ben Kingsley likes shooting things?

Until next month, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the ammunition.

- Mike

* I know Cliff Robertson was the lead in Charly (adapted from "Flowers from Algernon"), but the coincidences are just too surreal to pass on the reference.