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THE STORY OF THE MONTH"I Am Woman Here Me Roar" or "The Declaration of Independence (from Sanity)" by Mike Magnum October 2002 "Come and get me. I am a member of the NRA," Mrs. Petriello yelled at police officers. Petriello was adamant about her membership in our beloved shoot-em-up club. Her enthusiasm notwithstanding, she would have a difficult time that day convincing the police that her membership mattered one iota. "I have the right to bear arms and nobody is going to get me," she also yelled at the police from her front porch while toting an M-16 assault rifle and a stun gun. What a day this must have been, what with all of the yelling, gun pointing and endangering the lives of man and shrub. Did I mention the shrubbery incident? Do let me explain, because the Knights Who Say "Nee" had nothing to do with it. "According to police, officer James Waters was on patrol and saw Petriello in front of her home holding a rifle and a stun gun, which she turned on and off while hitting her shrubs with the device." "Nee" When life feels like it has gone to pot -- and so do a good chunk of your mental faculties -- shoot something. Or, in the case of Mrs. Petriello, stun something. If that isn't the motto of the NRA, it should be, because it seems to be the modus operandi of certain card-carrying members intent on making the rest of us look like we don't know what to do with the guns we have. Oh, and Mrs. Petriello had plenty of guns. "More than 60," said the police, including "assault rifles . . . 5,000 rounds of ammunition . . . Russian night-vision goggles, high-powered scopes, guns with lasers, and hollow-point bullets." That's why she had to teach the lawn plants a lesson -- they just didn't understand. After whiling away the afternoon shocking the crap out of harmless shrubbery, I hear you wonder, what's a good NRA member to do next? If your to-do list contains "electrocute the rhododendron," it also apparently has "take family as hostages to try and avoid arrest." "Hey, Tex, has Miss Kitty ever shot a man in anger?"
"Officers soon saw Mr. Petriello standing in the front picture window with his hands in the air. They asked him to leave through the front door. He said he could not because his wife was holding the stun gun to him and that she also had a loaded gun." Can someone say, "Marriage Encounter"? But, wait, we're not finished, it would seem that Mrs. Petriello's membership duties, according to the article, also include grazing a wall, putting a hole in the fridge, and trying to place a .38-caliber bullet into her own son, Joseph II. The next time your NRA Mom sticks her head out the back door and yells, "Come and get it," and she's been using that ole' "NRA membership as a means to do glaringly stupid things with guns" rule book of parenting, it's time to seek alternative housing or find that application for the Peace Corps. What is it with folks who think holding a membership in our glorified gun club allows them to do such mind-boggling disturbing things as collect illegal weapons and brandish them around harmless plants? I belong to a mail order CD club, but that doesn't make me jump around like a rock star in tights or think my warbling does much more than peel the paint on my bathroom walls. Man, give a cowpoke-wannabe a gun, next thing you know they're using it. And just when I thought I'd seen it all this month, Vermont's favorite NRA poster chimp, Rep. Frederick Maslack (R-Poultry), did something bad enough to his girlfriend that the courts put a restraining order on him and took away his guns (AP, September 15, 2002). That's so sad, because Maslack loved his guns SO MUCH, he actually wanted everyone to have one. Well, everyone in Vermont, that is, to have their own gun. But, Maslack didn't just "want" people to have guns, he downright expected to shove a gun down the throat of every citizen of Vermont who was old enough to join the military. If you weren't interested in joining the party, he expected you to fork over $500, register with the Secretary of State's office, and chop down a large tree with a herring (okay, I lied about the herring, but it's just as ridiculous as the rest of it). Shortly after the bill was introduced in committee, it died, like Maslack's self-respect and his standing in the community. "I am a member of the NRA," I can hear him whimper as they police left his home with a bag full of weapons. That you are, my friend, that you are. So, remember, if you're going to do something stupid, try not to do it while wearing your NRA pin -- we already have plenty members who do that. - Mike |
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