T’was the night before ChristmasIn Chuck Heston’s house
Not a creature was stirring
He’d shot the last mouse
All the holsters were hung
By the chimney with care
In hopes they’d soon be filled
By Wayne LaPierre
The children were nestled
All snug in their beds
While Uzis and AKs
Danced through their heads
With a gun on the night stand
And one under the bed
Heston turned off the light
And he laid down his head
When all of a sudden
There arose such a clatter
He jumped up, grabbed a gun
To see what was the matter
He ran out in the yard
Heard the sound of a hoof
It came from above
So he looked up toward the roof
And what to his bloodshot red eyes did appear?
But a miniature sleigh lashed to nine tiny reindeer
"You are all trespassing!" Charlton said
Then he aimed and he fired and he shot them all dead
First Dasher, then Dancer, then Prancer and Vixen
Then Comet, then Cupid, then Donder and Blitzen
Then he took aim at Rudolph
With his nose bright and red
And with a yank of Chuck’s finger
He too was dead
"Hot Damn!," Heston boasted
"I got them all!
Their heads will look great
On my trophy room wall!"
But where was the sleigh’s driver?
He’d no place to hide
Footprints led to the chimney
He must be inside!
Heston rushed back in the house
And what did he see?
A fat, jolly old man
Placing gifts ‘neath the tree
"Freeze Sucker!" Heston yelled
And the man he did pause
"Don’t you remember me Charlton?
Why, I’m Santa Claus!"
"Yeah right, and I’m Moses!"
Heston said with some ire
As he pointed his gun
And let go some fire
The slugs caught the intruder
Dead on in the belly
Which shook as he fell
Like a bowl full of jelly
The stranger then crashed
To the ground on his side
He gasped "Merry Christm..."
Then rolled over and died
"Take that Fatso!"
Heston loudly exclaimed
And he knew in the end
That he wouldn’t be blamed
"It was all self defense," he said
"And I’ve got the proof
With the dead guy in my living room
And dead deer on my roof"
"Once again my dear guns
Have saved me from harms
Thank God, and the founders,
For our right to bear arms!"
Michael Maher
Ammunition Clerk at Mike Magnum's
Apple Valley, CA
