TO: National Rifle Association Members
FROM: Mike Magnum, Owner of the Gun Guys Gun Shop and Liquor Emporium
RE: NRA Membership is Gun Registration by the GovernmentMany of us Gun Guys foam at the mouth when someone mentions registering gun owners, knowing that such a law could only be the work of Satanists, U.N. supporters, and anyone who listens to music by people named Pink, Jewel or Sting.
But the other night, after a rousing militia meeting at my gun shop and liquor emporium, a couple of us were shooting the shi'ite over the coming showdown with the forces of evil when our personal lives were ripped open and spilled on the floor, not unlike the 4000 scattered shell casings surrounding the M-60 machine gun we keep out back.
Our militia lieutenant, "Colt .45" (his nom de guerre, as they say in frog land), left us speechless when he revealed that he was no longer a member of the NRA. Colt's words shot through my heart like a steel-pointed bullet through a local yokel's body-armor covered chest cavity. Hell, the idea of not being a member of the NRA nearly caused me to drop a box of blasting caps on the floor and a load in my . . . well, let's just say it was a traumatic experience.
"M-16," our treasurer (I've never figured out why he calls himself that, since he exclusively buys AK-47s), took Colt to task, telling him that "NRA non-membership is un-American" and not being a member meant you could never cover your truck bumper with "Chuck Heston for President" stickers, count on your fellow gunslingers when the jack-booted thugs come a-knockin, or go to our local NRA First Tuesday Second Amendment Potluck.
Colt fired back, explaining that being a member of the NRA was the SAME THING as being a registered gun owner. "Hey, clowns," he said, "think about all the personal info you sent to get that fancy "I'm a member of the NRA" sticker for your window. When the black government helicopters show up, it'll be your doors they knock down, not mine. And it's not just the bumperstickers that'll give you away."
He then rattled off a list of all the info the NRA has collected from us over the years -- full name, date of birth, home address, phone numbers, credit card numbers, email addresses, our favorite Heston flick (I'm partial to Omega Man). The revelation cleared my head and I realized that the NRA would have an easier time finding me then the mothers of my five kids.
Damn if Colt wasn't onto something. He painted a pretty dark picture: The NRA headquarters is just outside of Washington; the NRA bosses said they'd be working out of the Oval Office if Bush got elected; our very own Johnnie Boy Ashcroft is slumming for the DOJ; Congress wouldn't even have to pass a law to peek at the data; and the FBI could get their grimy hands on the NRA membership list faster than I can yell, "Don't shoot, my colostomy bag is full."
It boiled down to this horrible fact: NRA membership IS being a registered gun owner.
Given that you all read GunGuys.com, I thought that I'd like to pass along Colt's mighty fine point of observation. After my rude awakening, I dropped my NRA membership like a hot shell casing from a smoking Kalashnikov. I'd advise you all to do the same if you don't want the United States government knocking on your door and taking away your Wayne-given rights.
We owe a debt of gratitude to Colt. In honor of his fine deeds, next weekend we plan on plugging a few rounds into a refrigerator at the local shooting range/dump and then roasting hotdogs over a fire made from our NRA membership cards!
You do what you want, but don't come whining to me when you're staring into the wrong end of a government-issue CAR-15 and wondering how they got your name.
Thanks Colt!
- Mike
